The Rainbow Rule: A Better Way to Treat Others Fairly
The Golden Rule says 'treat others how you want to be treated,' but this can be problematic when people are different from you. The Rainbow Rule offers a better approach: ask peopl...
Mar 15, 2026 · Good Group Decision
The Rainbow Rule | Craig Freshley
The Rainbow Rule 2.0
Here’s an attempt to depict The Rainbow Rule with a simple drawing. How did we do? Comments
The Rainbow Rule 2.0 © 2025 by Craig Freshley, Gray Cox, & Steve Meyers licensed under Creative Commons BY-SA 4.0
You are welcome to use this image however you like with attribution. When used online please provide links to CraigFreshley.com & GrayCoxHomepage.wordpress.com . See below for more about copyright and sharing.
Notes and Questions
The Golden Rule is often considered the highest standard for moral behavior. It’s logical. It’s beautifully symmetrical. I should treat you how I would like to be treated. It makes sense. Yet it doesn’t work well in all situations.
Two strangers – let’s call them Rose and Purple – are outside a rollercoaster ride. Rose sees a sad person and assumes, “If I was that person, I would want a ticket to the rollercoaster.” Without checking her assumption, Rose provides what she would want.
Yet Purple is in another world. They don’t care about the rollercoaster. They’re hungry. Maybe starving. And they get handed a ticket for a ride.
Can you think of situations where underprivileged people get given things, or get pushed to do things, that are completely unhelpful to them? Comments
While the Golden rule appears generous, it can be self-centered. It encourages me to think of me first. What would I want? Under the Golden Rule, I set the standard for your treatment. However I want to be treated, that’s how you should be treated; says the Golden Rule.
It can also be self-righteous. I don’t even have to ask you what you want. I know what’s best for you. And without any communication between us, I can feel as though I’m being helpful.
More than that, the Golden Rule can be used to justify pushing one’s beliefs on another. It’s very useful for empire building. It’s very convenient for oppression. “If I was a native in the woods,” believes the missionary, “I would want to be civilized and shown a better way of living.”
Have you seen the Golden Rule used in bad ways? Can you give examples? Comments
The Golden Rule is relatively easy. I do the little test in my own head (how I would want to be treated) and then I act. And it’s one-size-fits-all. I decide the standard and then apply it everywhere the same. It’s kind of black and white.
The Rainbow Rule is harder. Notice in the drawing how the Rainbow Rule requires two frames whereas the Golden Rule is in a single frame. With the Rainbow Rule I don’t assume that people want the same things I want. I have to ask first. Then act. It’s a two-step process: Ask, then act.
The Rainbow Rule starts with a question, not an answer.
The Rainbow Rule is not easy or black or white. It’s complex. It asks us to treat people on a case by case basis. It asks us to pay attention to every single person, whatever their color or belief. It’s inclusive and collaborative. And when followed, it results in more creative solutions. And less conflict.
The Golden Rule works very well among equals. When I’m with people just like me, I can make pretty good guesses about what they want. Yet when I’m with people NOT like me, the Golden Rule falls short and the Rainbow Rule seems better.
Do you agree with this conclusion? What other conclusions can you draw? Comments
I’ve learned to apply the Rainbow Rule not just for moral reasons, but for practical reasons. Asking people different-from-me what THEY think – before deciding or imposing solutions – results in:
More effective solutions
Fewer unintended consequences
Willingness to support solutions
Less conflict for future group decisions
Efficiency over the long run
The graphic is not supposed to be an answer. It’s designed to provoke new thinking, start conversations, and inspire action.
Can you draw other analogies or lessons from the graphic? Comments
How could the graphic, or the Rainbow Rule concept, be improved? Comments
Any other reactions? Comments
Copyright and Sharing
You don’t need written permission to use or reproduce this work as long as you attribute it and follow some other simple rules. See the graphic.
The artwork and accompanying text at this website is licensed under Creative Commons lisence: Attribution-ShareAlike International 4.0 Click the link for details.
Origins of the Rules
The Golden Rule
“Many ethicists and theologians from different traditions around the world have laid claim to some version of the Golden Rule as a core moral principle. They argue some version is offered in traditions as diverse as Zoroastrianism, Confucianism, Jainism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Baha’ism, Indigenous traditions, as well as at the basis of secular ethical theories like Kantianism.” (Cox, Smarter Planet or Wiser Earth?, 2023, p. 15)
Sometimes known as an ethics of reciprocity, the concept first appeared in an Egyptian proverb with origins in c. 2040–1650 BCE. It shows up in ancient Greek, Indian, Persian, and other cultures long before Christianity.
The Golden Rule appears in the Old Testament book of Leviticus, 19:18: “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.” It also appears in the New Testament book of Matthew, 7:12 “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”
The Rainbow Rule
The Rainbow Rule is similar to something called the Platinum Rule, an ethic in medicine. Dr. Harvey Max Chochinov, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Manitoba, explained the concept in JAMA Neurology and in the Journal of Palliative Medicine in 2023.
The idea is that doctors should not impose their own views about treatment upon their patients, but rather should consider foremost how the patient would like to be treated.
In a 2023 Scientific American article , Dr. Chochinov explains “When the lived experience of another, the sensibility and perspective of another, varies widely from your own perspective, that’s when using yourself as this infallible barometer of what another might need or want begins to break down. We have to acknowledge the ways in which our own personal biases can shape the way we perceive and respond to patients.”
In 2024, a book was published by Erica Powell called The Rainbow Rule: Treat others how THEY want to be treated . It’s a children’s book about a girl and her teacher as they explore lessons in empathy.
Prior to 2024 we’re not really sure when or where this concept started showing up as The Rainbow Rule , yet we think it a good name for this idea that’s relevant way beyond medical ethics and relevant for all people of all colors and all beliefs.
Here’s a 15-minute Quaker Message from Craig about the Rainbow Rule.
Examples
Hugs
If we both believe it’s okay to hug when we’re feeling stressed, then there is no problem to hug the other person. They may be stressed too, or certainly want to be supportive by returning the hug if someone else is stressed. But some individuals and certain cultures don’t support hugging another person, even if the person is stressed.
An attempted hug might cause the other person to get even more stressed, or withdraw.
The Rainbow Rule asks each of us to do not what we think is helpful for ourselves, but what we think the other person thinks is helpful. We have to figure out what that is or ask them.
Colonialism
Europeans came to America and decided Native people needed to become Christians. This was an example of the Golden Rule: Christianity is good for me, so it should be good for you too. Here, let me help you find Jesus. If Europeans had practiced the Rainbow Rule, they might have learned that Native people were happy with their own faith and their own lives did not need Christ in their lives.
Many Native groups were happy eating foods that were hunted, fished, and gathered. They did not need, nor want, to become farmers. Many Native people lived on common land and did not practice private ownership. Colonists practicing the Golden Rule disrespected Native people who did not conform to European lifestyles. The Golden Rule provided rationale for conformity.
Safety Nets
People who experience poverty must fill out forms and jump through hoops to qualify for safety net programs like SNAP food benefits or affordable housing. What all people almost always prefer is cash that can be used for whatever’s most important, such as fixing a car so they could get to work. Our government safety nets tend to be created not by lower income people who have to deal with it, but rather by more privileged people who are imagining how people should be treated.
Story of the Graphic
(Craig’s version)
From the moment I learned of the Rainbow Rule – 1:26pm on Wednesday, October 30 – I’ve been captivated. It was in the middle of one of my free Training Talk Shows when Larry Dansinger wrote the Rainbow Rule into the chat.
I was raised with the Golden Rule and when at my best, strived to achieve that. Yet when I was introduced to the concept of “treat others how THEY want to be treated,” a light turned on in my head. The Golden Rule was more self-serving than I realized.
As a professional meeting facilitator who’s always trying to increase collaboration and reduce conflict, I could instantly see the practical value of the Rainbow Rule ethic. I sought out Dr. Gray Cox – a fellow Quaker and a professor at College of the Atlantic in Bar Harbor, Maine – to learn more.
Gray recently wrote a book called Smarter Planet or Wiser Earth? In which he devotes two chapters to the Rainbow Rule.
I asked Gray to collaborate with me on coming up with an image. Our objective was to graphically represent the difference between the Golden Rule and the Rainbow Rule in one simple illustration.
We were inspired by the popular Equality Vs. Equity image and how it graphically conveys a key concept. We also like how that image is freely available, so we have adopted the same copyright license for our image.
With some leading ideas in hand, Gray and I sought an artist. We were fortunate to engage Steve Meyers, the cartoonist who often appears in the Maine Sunday Telegram and Portland Press Herald. Steve helped us convey our ideas into a single image.
We published a first version (Rainbow Rule 1.0) in August 2025. We received supportive feedback, yet we also heard that it was confusing and difficult to immediately understand. So we asked Steve to go back to the drawing board, resulting in Rainbow Rule 2.0.
The primary purpose of the graphic is to prompt conversation about how we treat each other as human beings.
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Jennifer
3 months ago
Yes! Another example of people giving things to others that are unhelpful is donations of clothes/toys/books/fill in the blank to people in global majority countries. I read a post by an African explaining how this may help some in the short term, but it also undermines African people who make clothes/toys/books/fill in the blank by flooding the market with free, second-hand goods.
Per the Rainbow Rule, it would be better to ask what is needed. It might be more helpful to buy clothes from African clothing makers and donate those thereby helping people build their business and helping those in need. Or it might be more helpful to donate hard-to-access inputs to local manufacturers.
Or there might be something else that would be more helpful.
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Zach
4 months ago
I recall learning the rainbow rules from a personality profiling session by Jerry Clerk in the 90’s. More on how to communicate with others they way they prefer as oppose to golden rule. These is good, as the world still treat other using the golden rules. Much love.
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Sue
5 months ago
Craig, You’ve hit a home run with this post! I might have to borrow this idea for my own writing, crediting appropriately of course…and now I wonder what Jesus actually said. Was his meaning lost in translation? Or was society so homogenous at the time that what one person wanted was the same as what everyone wanted. Seriously, I doubt it!
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Anonymous
5 months ago
Yes! For years I’ve been calling it the “other golden rule”, or “the platinum rule”. Rainbow rule is good.
The idea is to treat others the way they would like to be treated, not how you would like to be treated. This means you have to ask. And share stories with each other in order to get to know them, and for them to know you.
And this is especially important for people who want to be an allies. Too often people make assumptions about what it means to be an ally. Ask, “what do you want and need from me in order for me to be a good ally?”
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Anonymous
5 months ago
“The Golden Rule works very well among equals. When I’m with people just like me, I can make pretty good guesses about what they want. Yet when I’m with people NOT like me, the Golden Rule falls short and the Rainbow Rule seems better.”
However, so often we make assumptions that turn out to be false. Just now, I assumed that baking a casserole for 30 minutes would be just right for cooking it to a golden brown. Oops, bad assumption. It was a little black on top. If I had not made that assumption and checked it at 20 minutes, I could have turned it off sooner and enjoyed the casserole more.
If you can make “pretty good guesses about what they (‘people just like me’) want,” you may often be correct, but I know I am often wrong because I am making an assumption (a guess). I think asking what someone needs or wants is always better, altho it is not always possible or easy. And sometimes a person will say “no thanks” if you ask, even if they would welcome something you offered to them without asking.
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L. Vittorioso
5 months ago
This is great! Thank you for sharing. I can see how the Rainbow Rule can help those of us in human or social services. Our programs offer services we think everyone needs or will benefit from rather than just asking what they need. I am going to share this at our next staff meeting.
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Patty
5 months ago
The Golden Rule is superior. It assumes that you’re already asking what a person needs!
And also, when a needy person wants something that isn’t good for them, you aren’t bound to provide it! There’s no law that you have to participate in someone’s addiction. Not everyone HAS what an individual needy person needs! Do we fault the ones who don’t have the perceived helps when they know they cannot respond?
God always gives us free will. Charity giving, and I use the word charity without placing any stigma on those receiving it, is an act of free will. It is meaningless if it isn’t. It has to be a heartfelt act of compassionate empathy, or both parties are debased. A person in need cannot demand what they want. That implies manipulation and coercion.
Both sides need to be grateful to God for his daily care, and recognize that life is breathing. Life is constant change. Lack isn’t the problem.
It’s an exciting opportunity to respond and fill the lack! A chance for adventure in some cases, like rescuing the folks in NC from flooding! God doesn’t want us to be statues, sitting on a shelf gathering dust.
He wants us to have opportunity to interact and share in loving community, in truly meaningful ways.
In it’s historical context, the Golden Rule is accompanied by a command to love your enemies. So a godly person will regularly seek to go the extra mile, even with those that are hostile. God help us all believe in “impossible” things like harmony and joy!
Last edited 5 months ago by Patty
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Patty
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Patty
5 months ago
Here’s a better edit:
The Golden Rule assumes that you’re already asking what a person needs! But I like thinking the Rainbow Rule is just looking at it through a prism! And it’s funny you pick that as an alternative.
God gave the rainbow after Noah’s flood. It wasn’t an arch. It meant a literal archery bow.
God said he wouldn’t ever flood the world again. And he turned the bow facing UP, because HE himself would pay the price for our failings. The bow would shoot him, NOT US!
The Golden Rule implicitly reflects self-sacrifice.
God always gives us free will. Charity giving, and I use the word charity without placing any stigma on those receiving it, is an act of free will. It is meaningless if it isn’t. It has to be a heartfelt act of compassionate empathy, or both parties are debased. A person in need cannot demand what they want. That implies manipulation and coercion.
When a needy person wants something that isn’t good for them, you aren’t bound to provide it! There’s no law that you have to participate in someone’s addiction. Not everyone HAS what an individual needy person needs! Do we fault the ones who don’t have the perceived helps when they know they cannot respond? Each situation is unique.
Both sides need to be grateful to God for his daily care, and recognize that life is breathing. Life is constant change. Lack isn’t the problem.
It’s an exciting opportunity to respond and fill the lack! A chance for adventure in some cases, like rescuing the folks in NC from flooding! God doesn’t want us to be statues, sitting on a shelf gathering dust.
He wants us to have opportunity to interact and share in loving community, in truly meaningful ways.
In it’s historical context, the Golden Rule is accompanied by a command to love your enemies. So a godly person will regularly seek to go the extra mile, even with those that are hostile. God help us all believe in “impossible” things like harmony and joy!
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Leah Boyd
5 months ago
I love the Rainbow Rule…it matches exactly with concerns I’ve had about the Golden Rule for as long as I can remember! Thanks for articulating and illustrating how the golden rule is problematic and how the rainbow rule is supportive! I’m delighted!
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Liz
5 months ago
I have heard it called the Platinum Rule – the example at the time was for birthdays. The person said that they were given a birthday party because that is what the person planning the party would have wanted. He, on the other hand, would have preferred to spend the day with a close friend or two.
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Cindy A
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Liz
5 months ago
Yes. the Platinum Rule has been around for a long time. nearly two decades ago included in corporate leadership training.
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Sarah Witte
5 months ago
Hi Craig,
I understand the difference, and appreciate the intent. However I think that the Golden Rule includes this sensitivity if you add a few words that to me were always implicit: Treat others as you would like to be treated IF YOU WERE IN THEIR POSITION .
Not a sandwich when they need a ride, not a ride when they need a sandwich. Not a conversation when they’re trying to sleep, not ignoring when they need someone to talk to, and so on.
Let’s ask? Let’s try to see and sense what others need?
With appreciation,
Sarah
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Kathryn Walker
5 months ago
Hi Craig and Team! Super clear message. I did not feel a 100% balance in perspective in the messaging in 1.0. 2.0 provided a good, objective perspective.
It reminded me of an experience I had one time as I headed into Bagel Central and a unhoused man was outside sitting on the sidewalk. I decided to buy him a bagel sandwich and a water. When I approached him with this, he hesitated.
’ Then I saw his sign. His sign read something centered around, ‘need a job and a place to live’. I realized I misinterpretated his immediate need.
Although all three (food, housing, purpose) are critically basic needs, I assumed one of those needs as the priority when he felt differently. Should I have paid more attention or had a conversation, I most likely would have learned more.
Thank you Craig for creating dialog!
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